WEEKLY COLUMNThe John Boston Report: Putin’s New Perfume
Posted on: 04/19/2017 00:00
“Can’t you smell that smell?”— Lynyrd Skynyrd
With all the trouble Russian President Vladimir Putin gets into, it’s refreshing to see a new side of the dictator. They just had a new perfume named after him. If Estee Lauder brewed the batch, I’d guess they’d name it “Torture.” Alas, the smell-good potion is called the most Soviet and unimaginative: “Leaders Number One.”
The scent was created by the Belarussian-born perfumer, Vladislav Rekunov. It’s sold in a gloss black bottle with Vladdy’s profile. Cost? Just 6,500 rubles, or about a hundred bucks American. It’s sold only at Moscow’s luxury GUM department store. I’m not sure the size of the bottle. Knowing the Russian penchant for child-like grandiosity, I’m guessing it’s probably in the 24-gallon range, or, about three-cents an ounce. Should last you an entire Siberian winter.
Call me old-fashioned. But besides the fact I don’t wear perfume, I wouldn’t splash on a brand named after a sociopath commie dictator going wee-tinkie.
I’m not sure I’d want to sidle up next to a woman in a $10,000 evening gown only to inhale a dizzying wave of Siberian armpit.
“Darling! What IS that you’re wearing?! You smell like the Tomb of Khrushchev’s Underwear.
Wouldn’t you love to have a hoodie with Tomb of Khrushchev’s Underwear stenciled on front? I’d be a god at the next gathering of useless cheese weenies and Occupy Wall Streeters if I wore a sweatshirt like that.
I wonder if there actually is a Tomb of Khrushchev’s Underwear. A little known historical fact: Nikita Khrushchev owned the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics’ only set of underwear and we’re talking both boxers AND briefs. As a socialist, Niki was supposed to share them. He never did.
What’ the ad campaign on Leaders Number One?
Tell Me You Like How I Smell Or I’ll Carpet Bomb You?
For Women Who Don’t Shave Their Epic Armpits?
A Scent As Giant As Mother Russia?
I wonder if the craze of naming perfumes after national leaders will spread to the U.S.
We could have “Imbecile,” by L’Oreal. It’s got Secretary of State John Kerry on the bottle. There’s “Weiner,” with the former New York Dem and his own porn movie Anthony Weiner on the label. “Lawless,” featuring former attorney general Eric Holder. “Ozone” with Al Gore. “Witless” featuring the veep Joe Biden. And don’t forget “Daft Commie Rat Bastard” with Bernie Sanders.
It smells like Preparation H and talcum powder.
I could even see our alleged president cashing in heavily after he leaves office. It’s not out of the question to imagine Barack Hussein Obama sprawled tastefully nude over a mink throw rug, on a Times Square billboard, extolling the sexiness of “Sissy,” by Ralph Lauren.
Peach-scented baby oil, Starbucks and lilac. The odor of the genderless millennial generation.
And, of course, as much as some of us would like, we can’t forget poor Hillary.
Mrs. Clinton would promote a generic and nearly empty plastic bottle of witch hazel.
(SCV author John Boston also writes The Time Ranger & SCV History for your SCV Beacon. He’s has earned more than 100 major awards for writing, including being named, several times, America’s best humor, and, best serious columnist. Don’t forget to check out his national humor, entertainment & swashbuckling commentary website, America’s Humorist — http://www.johnbostonchronicles.com/) — © 2017 by John Boston. All rights reserved.
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POEM OF THE WEEK
The Rose Family
By Robert Frost
The rose is a rose,
And was always a rose.
But the theory now goes
That the apple's a rose,
And the pear is, and so's
The plum, I suppose.
The dear only know
What will next prove a rose.
You, of course, are a rose--
But were always a rose.