FED. RESTED. AND READY. BIGFOOT FOR PRESIDENT.
You know, you Democrats might be unhappy about President Donald J. Trump being in the White House. Thought you might want to put up someone who has a better chance in 2020 than Hillary or the daft Socialist, Bernie Sanders.
Might I suggest Bigfoot?
The North American Abominable Snowman? Sasquatch? Yeti? The Skunk Ape? The Bigfoot, unlike many residents currently using the states as a zip code, has been around America for thousands of years. He is truly a native-born son. Quiet, but strong. Resourceful. Intelligent. A good listener. The kind of guy you want in an alley fight or as commander-in-chief of our armed forces. Bigfoot deserves your vote next November three years plus hence. In fact, here’s 11 Reasons Why . . .
REASON #11 •
11) He’s an outsider.
REASON #10 •
10) He would be the best dang Bigfoot president since Rutherford B. Hayes (above)
REASON #9 •
9) Unlike the werewolf, or Obama, it wouldn’t take Bigfoot forever complete the simplest of tasks.
REASON #8 •
8) He’d bring back the good old days of 1970s full-length fur pimp coats.
REASON #7 •
7) Bigfoot would bring the country together, garnering support from left wing environmentalists and conservatives who favor less intrusion into our private lives.
REASON #6 •
6) In 2028, after he leaves office, the public will look longingly at his legacy, sigh and say: “Boy. That guy sure left big shoes to fill . . .”
REASON #5 •
5) He’s the world’s foremost expert not only on climate change, but adapting without whining.
REASON #4 •
4) Being elusive, and unlike the last POTUS Barack Obama, you won’t have to suffer seeing him make a speech on TV every 20 minutes.
REASON #3 •
3) Being shy, will attend shameless fundraisers in Moose Boink Falls, Oregon, instead of flying into LAX on a Friday afternoon, jamming freeways during rush hour for 12,000-square-miles.
REASON #2 •
3) He washes his food on the edge of the nation’s streams and riverbanks, just like Joe Biden.
AND, THE NUMBER REASON #1 TO ELECT BIGFOOT PRESIDENT IN 2016 —
1) He’s not Muslim . . .