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(By John Boston) “The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”— Alfred Hitchcock

It wasn’t that long ago the federal Food and Drug Administration gave their blessings to scientists who invented a bladder pacemaker.

Odd. It’s never a “deranged and armed circus clown invented a bladder pacemaker.” Or, “An unknown temp working in the bowels of the Mojave Regional Planning Commission invented a bladder pacemaker.” 

No.

It’s always scientists who are going about inventing things although, come to think of it, my older sister-like substance Lezbie Ann and I inadvertently created an anti-bladder control device in the 1960s and implemented it on our unsuspecting sister-like substance, Tweedie Boston. When Tweedie fell asleep one night, we placed her hand in a saucepan of warm, salty water. Why? It was a small town, there was nothing to do and we wante to see if Tweedie’d pee the bed. She did. And the floor. I think it eventually found its way into the ground water.

Blessed with a lingering case of sociopathy, I confess I’d do it all again given the chance, despite the fact 45 years later, I’m still ducking swear words from the Tweedmeister.

Anyway. Back to science.

There is actually a bladder pacemaker, a plat about 2 inches in diameter and a quarter-inch thick. Think of it as a stainless steel diaphragm. The device is surgically implanted under the skin in the lower abdomen although a case could be made for the thing working as an earring.

Read more here: The John Boston Report: On the Impending Shortage of Clown Scientists and Bladders that can Open Garage Doors