CONGRATULATIONS DOM BOSTROMS in NEW HLBRA, CA!! —
Down to the balls of our pretty pink feet we, at Publisher's Clearing House, are delighted to inform you that YOU HAVE ALREADY $5,000 FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! We don't know about you, but we're frigging giddy. Our calves ache from jumping up and down. The palms of our hands are beet red from clapping and our smile muscles hurt like a $2 debutante from this non-stop grinning. There's just a few tiny details to tidy up before you, DOM BOSTROMS!!, collect your $5,000 A WEEK FOR LIFE!!!
Don't delay! We are including a 29-pound junk mail envelope just stuffed-filled with magazine subscription offers, Chia pets, video tapes, miniature toasters and more useless information than a Master's degree in liberal arts that YOU, DOM BOSTROMS, need to CAREFULLY READ before we cut you, DOM BOSTOMS, your first weekly check for $5,000!!!
We'll be your friend!
Very truly yours - PCH
Dear Publishers' Clearing House:
Bite me. Go back 20 steps. Take a running start. And bite me. You guys at PCH lie like a rugs. Stop teasing me. Stop pestering me. Stop stuffing my mailbox with telephone book-size envelopes. Stop telling me I've won $31 million when I know my existence is but the vermin-infested trailer parked in the flood plain of Life. If you write me again, I'm going to give the Clintons your mailing address.
— Sincerely, John Boston, NOT Dom Bostroms, and
furthermore, stop using exclamation points,
they're a sign of poor breeding.
Dear Dom Bostoms!! —
Dude! You are the MAN! Swear on the birth of future unborn generations of Publishers Clearing House babies, you have ACTUALLY WON $5,000 FOR LIFE!!! (please take a few weeks to search through the veritable library of microscopic fine print to see what we actually mean by the phrases, "YOU" and $5,000 FOR LIFE!!!” Get on the next airplane! Come on down to Florida! It's not like that scam we pulled on all the old people You ARE a winner. Swear! What will you do with that kind of money, DOM BOSTROMS of NEW HLBRA, CA? Buy a new house? Break an in-law out of that stinky Mexican prison? Hire a hit man to off your neighbors' annoying Pomeranians that go "¡¡¡¡YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP GR RUFF YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP!!!" to the wee small hours of the morning? Good heavens, DOM BOSTROMS, with $5,000 FOR LIFE you'll be a god. All you need to do is order such fine publications as "Monkeys Monthly," "World o' Quilts" and "Eskimo Playboy." What. Are you stupid? Three lousy magazine subscriptions in exchange for possibly billions (depending, of course, on how long you live).
- ITCHING to make you rich, PCH.
DAMN YOUR BLOODSHOT EYES, PUBLISHERS' CLEARING HOUSE -
If I want any stupid magazines, I'll break into my dentist's office.
— DON'T EVER BOTHER ME AGAIN, JB
DEAREST DOM BOSTROMS —
You DESERVE to be loved. You DESERVE to let the universe open its flood gates of wealth and pour riches all over you. What's $5,000 FOR LIFE!! in the scheme to the universe? Will the universe MISS $5,000 FOR LIFE!!!? No, DOM BOSTROMS of NEW HLBRA, CA. Think of the good you could do. The $5,000 FOR LIFE!!! is yours to
do with what you want. You want to buy several hundred starving Central American orphans and start your own army? Fine. Pay Ashley Judd to wash out her mouth with soap and bear your children? That's between you and Ashley. THERE ARE NO GIMMICKS HERE, DOM. You subscribe to one of our fine magazines. We'll give you millions. It's that simple.
— Your BFFL still, PCH
So, I relented. I got a subscription — well, four of them. I can see it now. Superbowl Sunday, the Publishers' Clearing House van pulls up to my porch, with balloons, TV cameras and an oversized check for $5,000 FOR LIFE!! I open the door with a smile as big as all outdoors. "I'M John Boston!" I squeal.
The crew looks at one another and shrugs.
"Sorry. There must besome mistake. Could you point us to the Dom Bostroms' household in New hlbra, California?"
(SCV author John Boston also writes The Time Ranger & SCV History for your SCV Beacon. He’s has earned more than 100 major awards for writing, including being named, several times, America’s best humor, and, best serious columnist. Don’t forget to check out his national humor, entertainment & swashbuckling commentary website, America’s Humorist — http://www.johnbostonchronicles.com/) — © 2017 by John Boston. All rights reserved.
• • • • • • • • • • • •
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